A closer look at LIGHT’s approach to grief
When Lois Tonkin first described her Growing Around Grief model in the late 1990s, she wasn’t offering a neat solution to the pain of loss. She was telling the truth. Her insight was deceptively simple: grief does not shrink over time — we grow around it.
Most people are told some version of “time heals all wounds” or “you’ll get over it.” The implication is that grief is a temporary state, a small and shrinking circle that will eventually disappear. Tonkin’s model turns that picture upside down. Instead of the grief shrinking, our lives expand. The grief remains the same size, the same depth, and we grow in ways that allow us to carry it differently.
I have found this model to be profoundly freeing for my clients, my students, and myself. It releases us from the pressure to “get past” grief and gives us permission to build something new alongside it.
The Two Circles
Tonkin illustrated her model with two drawings. In the first, there’s a small circle inside a larger one. The small circle represents grief. In the beginning, the grief circle fills nearly the entire space of your life. There’s little room for anything else. The loss colors everything.
In the second drawing, the grief circle is exactly the same size, but the outer circle of your life has expanded. It’s no longer the only thing you see when you wake up. There is more room for connection, meaning, joy, and purpose.
What changes over time is not the grief itself, but you.
Image from https://whatsyourgrief.com/growing-around-grief.
Growing Somatically Around Grief
As a somatic therapist and yoga teacher, I see Tonkin’s model not just as a mental or emotional process, but as a body-based journey. Growth doesn’t happen only in the mind. It is anchored in our nervous system, our breath, and our felt sense of safety.
Grief, especially in its early days, often keeps us stuck in survival mode. The body’s stress responses — fight, flight, freeze, or collapse — take over. The inner circle of grief feels heavy, tight, and unmovable.
Somatic work gives us ways to gently expand the outer circle. Breath practices invite more space in the lungs and more oxygen to the brain. Grounding postures signal to the nervous system, You are safe enough to be here now. Vagal toning exercises, sound vibration, and mindful movement reintroduce flexibility into the body and mind.
Each of these practices becomes a way of living around the grief without erasing it.
The LIGHT Movement’s Approach
At The LIGHT Movement, our mission is to help people work with grief, not against it. The Growing Around Grief model is a perfect visual for what we teach:
- Love in Grief Held Together – Connection is the foundation of growth.
- Integration – Bringing mind, body, and spirit into alignment.
- Gentle tools – Meeting the nervous system where it is.
- Hope – Not as a forced optimism, but as the quiet knowing that more life is possible.
- Time – Not as a healer, but as a container for change.
When we guide someone through a somatic practice, we’re not trying to make the grief smaller. We’re helping them feel more spacious inside themselves, so there is room for grief and for life to coexist.
When the Circle Feels Stuck
Sometimes, people tell me they feel like their circle will never grow. They feel trapped in that first diagram. This is where compassion becomes the most important tool we have.
Trauma, complex loss, or repeated griefs can keep the nervous system locked in a state where expansion feels unsafe. In these moments, it’s essential to move slowly. Micro-movements — like taking a single deep breath with awareness, feeling the feet on the floor, or gently resting a hand over the heart — are not “small” steps. They are the seeds of growth.
And here’s the truth: even if you cannot feel it yet, your outer circle is already changing. Growth is not always visible in the moment.
A Personal Reflection
When I think about Tonkin’s model, I remember the year after my own father died. For months, grief consumed every waking thought. My body carried it in my chest like a stone. But over time — through breath, movement, community, and the smallest acts of self-kindness — I began to feel flickers of something else: a laugh I didn’t expect, a sunrise that moved me, a yoga class where I could breathe all the way down into my belly.
My grief didn’t shrink. It is still here, right beside me. But I have grown into a life that can hold it — and so much more.
Practice: Expanding Your Outer Circle
- Find your baseline – Close your eyes. Notice your breath, posture, and muscle tone. Without judgment, simply observe how you feel.
- Add a little space – Inhale slowly through the nose for a count of four, pause for two, exhale gently for a count of six. Repeat for three rounds.
- Anchor in the present – Press your feet into the floor. Feel the support rising up to meet you.
- Invite in something life-giving – Imagine a memory, person, or place that feels nourishing. Let your body register this, even for a moment.
The Promise of Growth
Tonkin’s Growing Around Grief model does not promise an end to sorrow — and that is its strength. It tells the truth: grief is woven into the fabric of our lives. But we are not static beings. Through intentional, compassionate practices, we can grow our lives around grief until there is enough space for joy to sit beside the loss.
This is the work of grief – not to erase, but to expand.
With Light,
Amy